BREAKING! New Shocking Audio Leaked of Stuart Attwell as VAR

Complete with unheard Howard Webb and Michael Owen discussions

BREAKING!

Newly unearthed recordings of Stuart Attwell’s VAR feed, and studio analysis by Howard Webb, Michael Owen, Mike Dean and Darren England.

This sheds serious new light on how things work at Stockley Park, and how the PGMOL deals with such issues.

2024

Attwell (VAR): “There’s clear contact. Darwin Núñez has forced both his legs into Ederson’s boot. Núñez has injured Ederson in the process. Red card to Núñez would be my suggestion. But stay with your original decision of a penalty, it’s more than my job’s worth on this one. And I only overturn decisions for Brighton anyway.”

Webb: “Núñez was clearly coming in fast – too fast, I think. I don’t think you’re allowed to run that fast. He’s out of control, his legs are all over the place. Look at him, with that ponytail. All that hair, so needless. He gets the ball first, sure, but what does that really mean? It didn’t mean anything the week before. And Ederson kicks Núñez up into the stands, sure, but the foreigner is clearly looking for contact, isn’t he?”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “Look mate, you can’t call him over to the monitor for that, as he’s a mate, right, mate? I think the ref’s got it right there.”

1986

Attwell (VAR): “Checking for possible handball. Check complete, no handball.”

Webb: “This is one of those tricky ones. They’ve both gone in high, but only Peter Shilton has his hand up. Diego Maradona’s hands are by his side and his feet on the ground. We can all see that. It’s not even up for debate.”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “I think the ref’s got it right there.”

2010

Attwell (VAR): “So there’s clear contact on the ball by De Jong. There’s a coming together. Alonso is coming in, he turns his body. The ball is high, they both come in high. I don’t think there is enough evidence there for a free-kick. Alonso’s coming into De Jong’s space. Alonso turns his back into him. It’s a coming together.”

Webb: “The ref was particularly good in this game. Did everything right. A spectacular specimen of a human, that man. Beautiful bald adonis. But it’s interesting, isn’t it, that if you look at it with your eyes closed, you can’t see anything wrong with the challenge. If anything, Alonso is the aggressor by passively aggressively being kicked in the nipples.”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “I think the ref’s got it right there.”

England: “Good process, Boss. You always get it right. Not even the 98% of the time we all do, but literally 100% of the time. Sometimes, you even get it 101% right.”

2001

Attwell (VAR): “Okay, we have a coming together. Both players go for the ball. They’ve both come in high – just like me and my assistant when entering the VAR booth at kickoff.”

Webb: “It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? It’s too low to head the ball, but also too high to kick the ball, so Roy Keane’s foot doesn’t really have anywhere else to go but into, and right through, Alfie Inge Haaland’s knee.”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “I think the ref’s got it right there.”

Webb: “Ah, but this is a nice touch, a lovely touch! – Keane goes over to Haaland to check that he’s okay. And Haaland is so touched by the gesture that … he’s crying! Tears of joy, tears of love and respect.”

2022

Attwell: “There’s been a coming together.”

Webb: “Yes, a coming together.”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “Remember that time we call came together?”

England: “Didn’t we say we’d never talk about that?”

1888

Attwell (VAR): “I’ve got the still image here, but obviously in much higher definition than you guys, where I can see all the details. To be honest, I can’t see anything wrong. Stick with your original decision, mates. Check complete.”

Webb: “Well, clearly there’s been a coming together. M Kelly has obviously had an accidental collision with a knife, maybe 50-100 times, maybe more. In those accidental collisions, there’s been a removal and dispersement of all internal organs. The intestines are strewn by the right side and the spleen by the left side of the body. The face is hacked beyond recognition, in what can only be a clear case of simulation. Yellow card, for me.”

Owen: “I’m not quite sure. It’s one of those, isn’t it?”

Dean: “I think the ref’s got it right there.”

England: “Good process, guys. Right, who fancies a pint?”

1984

“The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final most essential command.”